This topic came up in conversation on Friday afternoon and has been running around my mind like a rabid ferret ever since.
I have spend nigh on 12 years now stumbling around blindly in the IKEA warehouse called dating in a vain attempt to hit the proverbial light switch, occasionally stumbling on something I actually want but usually bumping into things, falling over myself or, more recently, spinning in circles and landing face first on the concrete floor. I think I have a basic grasp of the general layout of the place, the aisles to avoid because they contain sharp objects and power tools, the reject pile where people have brought damaged goods back (which is a fantastic place to pick up a bargain but not where you would pick up something that is going to last) and the comforting bubble wrapped areas that feel good but nothing on the shelves is actually for sale. Usually, as in the real IKEA, I am just plain lost. This said I take any advice seriously; any opportunity to improve myself is taken with open arms.
Except when I don’t agree with it. The advice most men will give other men is “treat them mean keep them keen”. The internet is awash with hundreds of supposed manly Lothario’s offering variations of what is essentially the same advice. On Friday I got berated by several guy friends who basically said my last girlfriend dumped me because I was too nice. I agreed to go to the niece’s 1st birthday, the friend’s birthday, the ball and, this was the main complaint, I sent her flowers without any reason (because she told me no boyfriend had ever bought her flowers). The reason I did all those things was because I was enjoying myself, I did them to make me feel good and I enjoy making other people smile and laugh. It’s who I am and I really like who I am. Should I change that to get a girl?The problem I have with this “be a bad boy, bastard” point of view is twofold. One is that it works, girls will say that’s rubbish but I've seen the evidence. The number of girls that I've known that have got back together with bastard boyfriends drives me insane. A good friend of mine has never bought his wife flowers in 20 odd years of marriage. I've even used it myself on occasions. I hate the fact it works, I hate the fact girls seem to have been conditioned by society to accept this. I hate the fact a lot of men pretend (and it is mostly pretending, game playing) to be bad to get girls. Men would not do this if it didn't work. Girls work on emotion, that’s what drives them and nothing generate emotion like being a bad boy. Of course I may be wrong.
The second problem I have is that I have no intention of doing it myself. I am very stubborn and, as with the last girlfriend, if they say they don’t want me I let them go. I have a strict, no friends with exes policy, in fact a minimal contact policy (I have contacted my most recent ex only once in over a month). Am I wrong to do this? I have no idea. On Friday one of the girls said to me that it was because the “no one has ever bought me flowers” line was a test, which I failed because I bought her flowers. Another told me that girls never want what they say they want, so she never wanted flowers because she said she wanted flowers. Can this be right? Are they serious? I think they are, partially at least, but I am not interested in games and if the reason any girl has left me is because I am too nice, well then I don’t want to be with them.
The thing I have learnt the most from the past six months is I know what I want, I’m just struggling to locate the right aisle and shelf number. I want the aisle that likes flowers and is turned on by gentlemen rather than bad boys (so basically I’m looking for a girl who says she likes bad boys and being treated badly). Now if the room would just stop spinning and someone would turn on the light I might find it.
M
And yes I do exaggerate, it’s my style, I love it here in Australia. Please come a visit (I’ll be in the UK at Christmas, hope to see everyone then).
